I can feel it spreading

I can feel it spreading. It's in my back now. Midback. Not near my shoulder blades. Not down towards my hips. Right in that sweet spot. I've never felt it here before so the pain shocked me a little at first. Every spot has a different sensation. I can move left to right just fine but hollowing in and out is sticky and the pain Is deep. In pilates we call it a c-curve. And Godspeed if I need to bend over or touch my toes. I have to inhale and take a deep breath before I decide to do that one. I'm used to it in my fingers and wrists and shoulders and hips and knees and ankles. But back I'm still getting used to.

I've always valued my independence. Just this past weekend, I took a trip to the beach just me and my dog. I did everything I wanted to do and brought Archie along for the ride. I was on cloud nine the entire time, treating myself and being a little selfish. I was finding beauty in prioritizing my happiness. What a treasure it is to feel pure bliss. I'll never forget it.

It's scary for me to think there may be a time where I can't have that feeling again. I'll be limited to things I can or can't do. Can my joints handle that hike? Will I be able to comfortably sit in the car for long? Will I need someone to help assist me? I've felt it progress, slowly but surely since 2019 when I was first diagnosed. I was 24 when I was told I have rheumatoid arthritis by a random doctor in urgent care. I woke up screaming in pain, positive my wrist was broken. I've never felt anything like it In my life. It felt like how I'd assume a broken bone would feel. My wrist was on fire and it was the size of a golfball. The fire was a constant shooting pain. My fingers were swollen. I called out of work and my mom drove me to urgent care. They took x-rays and verified I didn't have any broken bones. In the one hour I was waiting at urgent care, the pain had lessened but the swelling persisted. I was unable to move my wrist at all. That's when the doctor came in and told me I should see a rheumatologist. It was a defining moment in my life. One that has since altered the way I live entirely. I stopped drinking. I work out as much as I can. This disease, in a sense, made me healthier. But it has also made life a lot harder in other ways.

One day at a time.

YOLOOO000oo00o0o0o0