Womanhood

I tense with the immense pressure of constantly feeling like time is being wasted. Time, my precious time, withering away. Reading away on my couch, I stop to wonder, what exactly it is that I'm doing? And suddenly, I feel the crushing weight of the world on my shoulders. Why am I not being productive around the house? I'm sure there's chores to be done. I didn't exercise today - I'm being lazy. I should leave my house, try to meet some people. Critical thoughts rapid fire in my skull as I begin my downward spiral of feeling like no matter what I do, nothing will be good enough. Relaxing with a book apparently isn't happening tonight.

It starts small, like beating myself up for not being the most domesticated or how I could've been healthier that day somehow. Then I peel back the scabs of my deeper insecurities and before you know it, we've plummeted into why I'm better off alone. I don't always know how I get from point a to point b. Now, I think my mind is so used to this routine that sometimes we even skip a few steps and just dive straight into it. I may not recall the thought process of how I got to that state of mind, but I'm always left with the feeling that that lingers from that space.

The feeling that stays with me Is always the same. I'll feel It In my deep In my chest like I'm noticing the weight of my heart for the very first time and I'll end up convincing myself I'm better off alone. I'm too demanding or rude or just too much to have someone who could possibly want to stay by my side. Yet, I crave a person who gets me again for my true self.

My mind and heart are at war with each other and I'm waving a white flag for peace.

Women have minds and souls as well as hearts, ambition and talent, as well as beauty and I'm sick of being told that love is all a woman is fit for....but I am so lonely

-Jo March