Birthday Blues

It’s happening. I’ve finally hit it - the big 3-0. Wheww, time flies by and it’s not at all what I imagined it would be. If you would’ve asked me when I was a girl what I thought my life would look like as an adult, it would not be a boss ass bitch. It would’ve been to be married with kids. And it’s funny how that’s still a soft spot. The other thing happened to me that happens when you hit this age and you’re a woman. I had a maintenance technician over at my house. We were chatting it up and long story short, he asked me how old I was and if I was married. I told him I’m turning 30 and no, I’m not married. He told me, to my face, “No disrespect but what’s wrong with you? If you’re attractive and smart why don’t you have a husband? Are you too high maintenance? Most women I know that are single at your age are too demanding and ask too much”. He went on, but you get the point. Absolutely reading me to filth. And I immediately imagined myself as the old hag in the neighborhood with her rheumatoid arthritis, single and surrounded by dogs. Not too bad if you ask me, minus the chronic inflammation. I also realized that I will now be facing a lot more of this. A lot more conversations explaining why my existence is the way it is, to absolute strangers, with answers I don’t have. Anyways, I laugh it off. I tell him that I am as picky as I should be and leave it alone.

I really wasn’t sure how I was going to feel after that. I wasn’t sure if I would now be dreading my age or my life as I suddenly decline in society’s value. I imagined a version of little me and wondered how she would feel looking at me now. I’m confident that she would look at future me and be proud. Proud of the way I’ve grown and carried myself. Proud of the way that I haven’t lost sight of who I really am. Proud that I don’t settle for shit. I can choose to be miserable with this stranger, in my one precious life, damning the government or society or whoever (but to be honest - it probably is their fault). Or I can say fuck it. And I can remember all the love in my life that I do have. How grateful I am to have the people that I do. How lucky I am to have the necessities and more in life. How blessed I am to have witnessed all the compassion and beauty in this world that I have. How excited I am for my future and all that’s yet to come still.

There really is so much change happening in my life right now. It’s a new year. I’m starting a new decade. I have a new job, where I’ll meet new people and be doing new things. There is still so much to look forward to.

I am 30.

I still joke and laugh like a child.

I still fawn for love like a high school girl.

It literally is just a number.

Happy birthday to me. :) 

Taken by the amazing @sydneycisco